hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dick very happy bro
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
