Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
