Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
