I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
