She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
