it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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