I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
