The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
