when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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