Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
