I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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