Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
