I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just invented taco cereal.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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