Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
