Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
