Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize