I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
