yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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