There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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