I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
