i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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