We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
