You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize