I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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