We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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