I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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