she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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