I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
