1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize