I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
