id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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