Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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