I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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