'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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