i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
