Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
