I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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