In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
