Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
