He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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