I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
