Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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