your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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