sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
