I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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