I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Four minutes until I can fart!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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