toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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