Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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