This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
