Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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