Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bring money and cleavage
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
