If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
