I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
