How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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