Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize