On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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