How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
