Dual....:-)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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