first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
