you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
