So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
