Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
