My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
