I can text with my tongue
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
