Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
